Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Angry and in Hiding

In late August (after my last I-will-keep-this-up-to-date vow), we went on vacation to Wisconsin Dells. Alexis (then almost ten years old) loves water parks. It was horrible for me. Our "handicapped accessible" room had a grab bar by the toilet, but the toilet was too low and I couldn't use the bathroom independently. On that trip, I discovered I can't use ANY bathroom independently--even ADA-compliant ones. Ralph had to help me, which put Alexis in the role of traffic cop, trying to explain to women at the door of a public restroom why there was a man in there. So I have spent my time since then in a towering rage that this is my life (and because of me, my family's life). Not wanting to feel the rage, I hide in books and TV and become depressed.

I don't write when I'm depressed...at least not where anyone can see it. I used to write in journals when angry and depressed, but I don't have much use of my hands once I'm done with work, so I don't journal any more, I just STEW (and get angrier at not being able to journal.)

But a blog isn't a journal. In my mind, it's supposed to be more refined and more edifying. It's meant to be read, as journals (my former ones, at least) are meant to be catharsis.

It's my day off, though, and I have morning hands and this blog has been ignored too long, so here I am, journalling in front of God and everybody. As is traditional, I'm disgusted with my attitude and trying to find a way out of it. For most of my adulthood, that way is with the recovery Just for Today's.

I thought I'd check the list, choose the one that was the problem right now, and write about it. Ha! I've been forgetting them all. So, let me just start at the very beginning (a very good place to start.)

1. Just for today I will try to live through this day only, not tackling all of my problems at once. I can do something at this moment that would discourage me if I had to continue it for a lifetime.

I loved the OLD wording of #1: I can do something at this moment that would APPALL me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. APPALL, do you hear? Not discourage. It's way beyond discourage! Discourage is wearing diapers. Appall is not being able to change them by myself. I am appalled, I tell you.

The bad news is that problems are all interrelated. Poke at one and all the rest quiver. And my body is all one organism. I can't try to solve one symptom without having it affect everything else. The idea, here, is to stay in the now and resist getting overwhelmed.

As soon as I think about focusing on ONE issue, though, my mind presents a whole bunch of other ones that seem to be equally important. "What about me?" they scream. That's when I have to use Step 3 of the twelve steps and turn it over to a Higher Power.

Obsessive-Compulsive person that I am, I'm going to make a (private) list of all the issues, along with some ideas of small things to do to alleviate them. Then I'll start to work the list, choosing one thing I can do "just for today."