Dancing with Monsters

I have been mulling over this feeling of being stuck I've had recently. The good news is that I feel like what Havi Brooks calls a "tiny sweet thing" is being born. The bad news is that stuck is an uncomfortable feeling. I have a (possibly unhealthy) attachment to productivity and progress and stuck is neither of those.

I ride a paratransit bus two days a week.  This bus picks me up at home and takes me to work. In between those two points it goes anywhere on the east side of the Metro area, picking up and dropping off other people. Yesterday, there was a woman on the bus who was pretty agitated about how far from either of her two end points the bus was taking her. I remember having the same concerns when I was a new "normal" bus rider. I would clutch the printed bus route in my hand. Every time I started to lose faith, I would check the route and learn that the bus was on its way to its target. The paratransit bus does not have a published route. Each day it goes different places. I have to trust that I will end up at my destination. As I am riding I can be worried about what's going on or I can trust that other people have the route in hand. The choice is mine.

It occurred to me yesterday that I need to be as relaxed about my stuckness as I am about my bus ride. This is part of the journey. It's not where I would have chosen to go but it may, in the end, get me where I need to go. It's all about trust.