Friday, February 24, 2012

Surrender leads to Acceptance

Months ago, I chose the wording of my kind promise #3: "to surrender patiently." I have been pondering the difference between acceptance and surrender. Surrender is the process; acceptance is the result.

A week ago, I made my annual visit to my neurologist. The doctor was not surprised to hear that my disability has increased. He asked me to move my legs and watched as my mental command to my lower body caused no visible results. He took my word for it that my left hand has gotten weaker.  (My right hand is already mostly decorative.) He predicted that a newly available medication would do nothing for me, scoffed at my questions about vitamin D, renewed my prescriptions and sent me on my way.

I took it badly.

I came away feeling that he has given up on me. It's not too surprising, really. My version of MS is incurable and progressive. What can he do?

I watch again as the drop hits the water, digging deeply, creating a splash.
A smaller drop is thrown into the air and splashes down again, creating more subtle ripples. Each time the drop shrinks, the ripples decrease. Eventually the water is smooth.

That has been my week: finding my calm after the splash.

I remind myself: Nothing. Has. Changed.

In fact, a quingigillion things have changed in the last week, but my commitment to being alive, to living richly, need not change.

Surrender is the process of feeling the disruption – the stab of pain, of loss, of judgment, deep into the flesh of the World As I Had Imagined It. The pain gets smaller each time it hits, but it hits again and again,

By promising "to surrender patiently, I invite myself to be patient with the multiple woundings, to let the soothing waters roll over me, leading me to acceptance – returning me to my Sacred Source.


Olivia said...

I do not like drs appts either.
..your writing is elloquent, i have discovered meditation and yoga, i love them both. Keep your chin up ...defy the doctors, dont give up! Xo olivia

Kate Wolfe-Jenson said...

Thanks for the encouragement. I have heard so many "waited for over an hour, saw the doc for 10 minutes" story since that bad day… Meditation helps me as well, though yoga is beyond me these days.