I've written elsewhere about surrender and the difference between giving in and giving up. Why did this promise call to me? What more do I want to learn about surrender?
I'm sure this is a response to my increasing difficulty with my hands. It is harder, these days, to accomplish the things I want to do. It doesn't take long for me to find myself in snarling frustration.
I want to practice surrender more frequently as a first instinct rather than a last resort. Too often, I try and try and try to get it done and, when something proves too difficult for me or the universe seems to rally against my effort, I surrender.
I had an interesting conversation last night with Sam Jasmin, radio host of Disabled and Proud. We talked about stubbornness and it's pros and cons. She's right that I accomplish more because of my stubborn streak. Unfortunately, I am not as nice to be around because of my stubborn streak.
I want to keep my determination and persistence but lose the short tempered meanness that seems to come with it. How would this be possible?
- Take a calming breath between each effort."
I seem to have spent the last six months retraining myself to breathe. Such a simple thing, yet I have been unconscious of it for most of my life. Now I am consciously trying to build a breath-calm-joy connection.
- Try three times and then (A) ask for help or (B) take a break or (C) reconsider.
Maybe putting limits on my effort will also put limits on the escalation of my upset. This is definitely an experiment.
- Use "the next moment may also be a surprise."
I discovered, during "forgiveness month" that my expectations do not serve me well. Maybe the same thing is happening here. My poor nerves are having trouble carrying signals. Why should I expect my hands to be adept? Acknowledging uncertainty may be a help.
- Try "everything belongs."
In my philosophy/theology the universe is a stunning harmony, a whole. What we see as imperfect is part of that harmony. Everything belongs. This allows me, my increasingly dysfunctional hands, the ways I am clumsy and even my snarling frustration to belong. I need to remember that and be compassionate.
Oldie that I am, I can't help thinking of this song when I am thinking about surrender. Maybe singing a chorus or two will soften the brittleness.